It’s been a tough year:
Extricating myself from a dysfunctional family system, and the loneliness and heartache that came with it;
Fighting for my right to stay in New Zealand, almost bankrupting myself in the process;
Exhaustion, physical and emotional, from the sleepless nights and stress.
And then, a couple of months ago, just when I thought things couldn’t get any worse, I suddenly found myself with constant pain in my hip. I panicked. At first all sorts of horrible scenarios flashed through my mind. I imagined chronic illness.
While I was driving the hilly, windy roads to the chiropractor in Nelson (1.5 hours away), I realized that I felt completely and totally broken. I felt I couldn’t be more broken, physically and emotionally. I cried.
At the Chiropractor’s office, the pain got fixed (at least in the short term) almost immediately. It was an injury. I had bashed myself in the hip when I opened the fridge door a few days earlier and it seemed such a small trauma that I did not think it had caused it.
Driving back from the chiropractor, crying happy tears that I wasn’t as broken as I believed I was, I heard a little voice inside. I listened as I do when I hear that voice. The voice said: “You’re broken, but you won’t put yourself back together again and have the life you want to have, until you take better care of yourself. This is your task now.”
Historically I have not had good self care. I have been an over-achiever. I pulled all-nighters at University, slept at the wrong times, sacrificed my health and achieving was the only thing that mattered. I focused religiously on my degree when really the best thing for me to have done was to quit. I did not enjoy studying at Oxford and did not get a lot out of it apart from the ability to speak French and Spanish (which I did not need to attend university to develop.) I decided around age 12 that I was going to Oxford, and I made it happen. But this did not come from a genuine alignment with my Higher purpose, it came from a need to kick ass in life and impress my parents (and grandparents). It came right from the ego and from the little girl who wanted her parents to love her more.
Over the last five years, I have built my business on this behaviour: Staying up all night, putting relationships on the backburner and sacrificing my health.
I also created my Akashic Record Reading Program on this ethos. The program was made out of blood, sweat, tears and all-nighters after I moved to Blenheim, NZ after the Christchurch earthquake. It was borne out of showing Mother Nature that she can raze a city to the ground (the one I lived in) but she wasn’t going to beat me. I was going to make that course, and on the timetable *I* set out.
And so I did show Mother Nature. I made the course in September 2011, and it was a success. All was well.
When my business visa eventually came though in July 2012 I was looking forward to bulldozing my way into the task that is finishing the Intuitive Reading Program (which is 50% done).
After my tough year, I soon found that this was not going to happen the way I wanted it to. My other needs were not going to quietly and obediently disappear into the background so that I could do what I thought I needed to do. I was tired, and I had other work to do, and I had a life to build here, which involves other things, such as friends, and activities. The more I pushed against it, the more the hip injury surfaced. The more I relax and trust that the project will be completed in its own time, in the highest good of all, the more the pain doesn’t bother me, the hip heals, and the more I am actually able to work on my projects.
I have pushed and pushed for months, enduring little setbacks along the way, but the truth is that the project (like many things in our lives) is on its own timetable that is not within my control. But because this timetable comes from the Divine, it is a much more sustainable one and a kinder one. I hope that these energies will be imbued in the project for years to come, so that my students are also nourished with the energies of sustainability, self-care and trust in the Divine, when they begin the course.
I am writing this partly to share my journey with self-care and injury, in the hopes that it will inspire others. But I am also writing because I get someone who has done The Akashic Record Reading Program write to me almost on a weekly basis asking when the Intuitive Reading Program will be finished. I love that students are keen to study another level with me.
I send back emails explaining what is going on, but they are all coming from my head. And then I begin to push again and try to bulldoze. Then I realize, in this world, I am little and human in what I can do day to day. I can’t show Mother Nature what I’m made of anymore; and I can’t show her that she can’t take me and my projects down. Instead, by using my body and the pain of the injury, she is showing me where I need to grow, that it is time for me to recover from being an over-achiever.
My best guess for the completion of the Intuitive Reading Program is now some time next year.
Update: My Intuitive Reading Program is now completed and can be accessed here.
Awesome post, Anna, what wonderfully enlightening messages your body is giving you about how to grow and how to love yourself. x
Wonderful Anna. I’m so glad to see that you’re going to start taking care of yourself. Inevitably, this will be positively reflected in your teaching and Level 2 of the course when it comes out, whenever that may be.
Anna, I am learning this very lesson myself, must be the year for it 🙂 Every time I push, I think I go backward. I have been having to make it OK that things won’t happen when I want them to, because other less exciting but necessary things have to be done, too. Lots of love to you, all will be well. Take care of that body! XO
Anna,
Don’t let anybody pressure you! Not even the nicest of clients. Your pace is your pace, and the world can and must wait for you while you walk your path.
I have found for myself that every time I am hard on myself, try too hard, or have a harsh or rigid attitude of any kind, it eventually backfires and makes it more difficult and slower for me to reach my goals.
Now I try and go with the flow in a gentle, flexible way, knowing the whole thing is more about healing myself than about reaching any goals. That’s just me of course. 🙂
I’m sending you much love and a big hug. You have all my support.
Love,
Rosine
I’m so sorry Anna. I can totally relate. My feeling is that you’re working through a lot of karma right now and you’re simply clearing away a lot of excess energy. My guess is that you’re evolved so much spiritually, you’re simply moving through karma at a much faster rate. You’re going to rise above this more empowered and better than ever!
Peace to you, Anna. It’s been a hard struggle. Maybe now you will be able to heal and create from a space that incorporates what YOU need WHEN you need it.
Much love from Hurricane-y Maryland,
Lisa
Anna, as a chronic over-achiever, I can really relate to this post. Thank you for sharing it with us. And as a devoted follower of your blog, I embrace your message (for you and for myself) and I know that your taking the time you need for healing will make your light shine even stronger. Peace and blessings!
Del otro lado del mundo (Uruguay) te mando un calido abrazo y si… el Universo es inteligente y cada tanto nos dice que debemos parar un poco. Bendiciones Ana, bendiciones y que todo este bien. TODO VA A ESTAR BIEN.
Across the world (Uruguay) I send you a warm hug and if … the universe is both smart and each tells us to stop for a while. Ana Blessings, blessings and all is well. Everything will be OK.
Hello Anna,
as I read your article it was as if I was looking into a mirror. I’ve been going through something similar. It took me a long time to realize I had to take care of myself first. I tried to push my body when it was telling me it was time to rest. And same as with you, it didn’t work. Now it looks like I’ve finally started to learn my lesson. Thank you for sharing your thoughts, this helped me so much. Good luck with the course. 🙂 And take care.The body will tell you when it’s ready.
Not only am I totally supporting you when it comes to taking care of yourself, but I also do believe that delaying the second module IS in the highest good of all. Learning to do Akashic Record readings isn’t just about learning a new technique – it is also about self discovery. To be really good at giving reading to others, we also have to work on our own stuff and clear our own blocks. Speaking for myself, many things have surfaced since I finished module one, and I feel like I need to go slow, learn more and become more clear before I am ready for the next step. So, even if your module was ready tomorrow, I wouldn’t be able to sign up until my own timing was right. I believe that divine timing is everything, and if some of the people who are rushing you loose interest by the time you finish your second module, then they weren’t supposed to learn that level. Or maybe they just have to learn to allow divine timing. So, no need to push yourself – just trust in the higher wisdom that you are connected to because it is much bigger than you are.
I also want to add that after reading lots of other books, and seeing bits and pieces of your course here and there, I realize more and more how incredible your course was and how you put it all together in a format that was easy to learn and memorize. I’m actually glad you haven’t finished the second module yet, because I’m hoping I’ll be ready when you are…
Anna,
Life is good at giving us a good ass-kicking sometimes! As your student, I value your teaching so much that it wouldn’t matter to me if your 2nd level didn’t come out for ten years. Take care of yourself. 🙂
Anna,
This is a beautiful post and I can totally relate about driving hard at our purpose and completely neglecting the self. I have been that person that you described as the old you, and I am also moving into a more Divine trust, more of the new you. Self-care is a huge issue for over-achievers. And when you said you tried to shove it aside and hope it quiet and obediently disappears and it doesn’t — I KNOW THAT FEELING! What I’m learning now is that self-care is actually the root of successful people – that they do take care of themselves, so that they can take care of their business. When we drive hard & mad at a goal, it seems to flame out fast as our bodies just give up. It’s wonderful for you (and me) to arrive at this realization because it will only serve to bring more joy to our personal lives and in our businesses. Yay, Anna!
My name in the family is ‘Push push’ because I have forever been pushing myself and over achieving. May we both go easy on ourselves and learn to relax, let go and just be. For 10 minutes at least! 🙂
Wow! I have been getting the message to nurture myself. I have been on push most of my life. I realise I never play anymore or take time out. I have been going through a cleansing process this year and clearing many blocks. The lady who wrote moving through karma at a much faster pace feels like she’s talking about me.
I try to take time out but I know there are many changes coming and then I go back to my old routine. I must take a lesson from your message and all the other posts.
Thanks for sharing.
Dearest Anna,
Your integrity & sincerity always touch my heart… Your words translate your humility and your humble Huamn Experience.
2012 is definitely a year of Intensity, Getting rid of whatever is not serving you anymore, Welcoming new thoughts/behaviors/perceptions.
Evolving & elevating our consciousness is quite the challenge at times!
I wish you infinite Balance, Inner Harmony, Love & Light!
Lynne 🙂
Dear Anna
You’re such a good teacher. Even when you say you can’t meet your high standards for a bit you teach us to listen to our bodies. My body always knows long before my head has worked it out. There’s always something on your site to teach us. Chill out. Take care of you. You’re doing great.
Ark
Thank you very much to everyone for your supportive comments, kind words and for sharing your experiences. I am glad to hear this resonates with you xox