Is Anger 'Unspiritual'? • Anna Sayce

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Is Anger ‘Unspiritual’?

anger unspiritual

This week I sent out a newsletter with a couple of articles in it. I mentioned in the newsletter I felt angry about two things:

1. That there are psychics out there who scam their clients out of money by telling them they are cursed, putting the fear of God into them, and charging vast sums to remove the “curse”.

2. And secondly, I felt angry that every now and again I will receive an email from a member of the public (usually a spiritualist) who is upset that I charge money for my courses and lets me know about it in a way that is both insulting and shaming.

I wrote in my newsletter:

I find anger can be very valuable if channelled appropriately. It shows us where we (or other people) are being dishonoured and disrespected, and where we need to say “enough” and make our voice heard.”

But I’ve since had a few interesting comments and emails which suggest that anger is somehow ‘unspiritual’; that it indicates we have something we need to heal in ourselves; or shows us where are reacting to something the “wrong” way.

As someone who has a lot of first hand experience dealing with abusers, bullies and emotional vampires, (and as a healer who has helped other people to deal with these experiences, too) I have so much to say about this.

Anger is actually a gift to keep us safe and sane

When we feel angry (9 times out of 10) it is telling us that either something is amiss with our boundaries or that we need to ACT or SPEAK UP to protect ourselves or another person.

Anger protects us from unreasonable behaviours and abusive people.

I learned this the hard way

I am going to tell you a story from my past to illustrate my point (it was not my finest hour so please do not judge too harshly!)

I spent most of my twenties careening from one appalling relationship to another, usually with men who were narcissistic.

I had one boyfriend (let’s call him Markus) who was abusive, psychologically and verbally.

He would, amongst other lovely behaviours, gaslight me, put me down, humiliate me in public, sulk, refuse to speak to me, mock me, call me names and throw things at me. We weren’t together a very long time but this went on for weeks and I remember it being pretty bad.

Yes, all of this made me angry but at the time I believed that anger was not an appropriate response to have. I was conditioned to feel that way because I grew up in an abusive and dysfunctional family. But back then I was not able to respond in a self-protective way to that abuse because I was just a kid. And so I had not yet learned how to stand up for myself.

Markus exploited this and encouraged me to think that any anger I felt was unjustified – and not his problem. He also kept telling me that we were meant to be together because I was a healer and needed to help him heal his problems. He made me feel sorry for him.

So I just took it.

Until one day when I was walking down the street with Markus and he tripped me up on purpose (for his own amusement) on a packed pavement next to a busy road. I lost it. I got up off the floor and hit him hard in the face, twice.

I thought to myself, How did we end up here, with me on the floor and him being hit in the face on a busy London street? What the hell are we doing?

Picking myself up off the floor

The answer to that was that I was being treated appallingly and lashing out because I had swallowed my anger for weeks (and years, in fact.) I ended our relationship soon after that but it took more bad relationships and a few more years to learn my lesson and finally get in touch with my anger and start seeing it for the gift it was.

The fact is, all of our negative emotions are feedback from our souls. I would even go so far as to say they are a form of clairsentience. They often fuel action, not just on the personal level, but also on a societal level.

How would the world be different now, if people who marched on Washington during the Civil Rights movement in 1963 decided their anger wasn’t very spiritual and packed up & went home to go examine what they “needed to heal”?

Or if Rosa Parks swallowed her anger yet again and got out of her seat?

Or if the suffragettes decided their anger was unbecoming and abandoned their cause?

Or if LGBT people decided that their feelings in response to being oppressed were their own problem?

I am not comparing my anger to the anger of those who have helped to change history, but the same principle applies:

Anger helps us to take what’s ours and assert our rights in this big, bad world.

Empaths are the ones who need to heed this the most

I am currently writing a book for empaths based on my own experience as an empath and on my clients’ experiences. I’ve done a lot of readings for empaths and one of the insights Spirit has given me is that imbalanced empaths often feel too much of other peoples’ emotions because they’d rather not be in touch with their own.

But the problem with this is that bullies and narcissists are drawn to empaths like bears are to honey. And empaths sometimes do not realise who they have attracted until it is too late. Therefore empaths, more than anyone, need to be in contact with their negative emotions for their own self protection.

Because as the playwright & poet Eve Ensler says:

“Bullets are hardened tears”.

Emotions that go unexpressed can erupt violently and demand redress.

So empaths: to avoid ending up on the floor, have a tune in to yours. Beat that pillow. Listen to that angry music. Find out why you feel the way you do. Then act.

 

39 Comments

  1. Hi Anna,
    This is a wonderful post about a topic that can certainly be feared if misunderstood. It’s interesting how sometimes it can take several events before we actually honour our feelings (and then let them go). I’ve done this many times (hidden how I really felt, or denied to myself how I felt) and the result wasn’t pretty (lots of lessons learned!)

    So I’m a big believer that all emotions are healthy when there’s a balance. We have them for a reason and even though the lower level emotion of anger for instance isn’t a pleasant thing for us to feel, it’s still a wonderful compass to point us in the right direction. So I fully understand where you’re coming from. Thanks so much for sharing! xx

  2. Love this article, Anna! Thank you for sending out. 😉

  3. Great article! I was with you on that busy street giving that feckless idiot a slap on the face lol!

    Isn’t that why we incarnated here on earth, to explore the full gamut and rollercoaster of emotions that being a human entails? What a ride!😂😂

  4. Thank you so much for writing this. I had lunch with a friend this past Thursday. During our discussion she told me that I was hanging onto to anger towards someone. I explained that anger is a valid emotion and serves a purpose. I have spent the last two days contemplating whether I should write about anger on my blog. This post of yours indicates that I should and I will, again, be sharing the link to your post on my blog. I grew up as you did and am an empath. It took me years to face my emotions, especially the “negative” ones, and deal with them. I refuse to let anyone tell me I do not have a right to my emotions any longer. Not be angry is not Spiritual, it is called denial. What is not Spiritual is not facing it and dealing with it.

    BTW, what do you mean when you said he would “gaslight you”? I do not ever recall hearing that term where I live.

  5. I read the blog aa the various probmatic issues of individuals who take the time to manipulate and use they power to subdue people that respond to their adbertisement. Is this someone that has mental issues I think not this is totally deliberate to initiate fear for the purpose of monetary gain pure and simple. Now the issue is do you as an individual speak out against an injustice or wish this would not happen. To feel anger towards the injustice to someone who is scared of the conscenceses of not paying up. The worst injustice is to say or do nothing because it is not our journey but for the grace of God go I. Therefore Stand up against injustice to those fortunate than ourselves. So keep sending suport and light becauae love wll always defeat the darkness of injustice.

  6. THIS! Thank you so much, Anna for sharing your story and for calling this issue out into the light. You are spot on, and it needs to be said! It’s complete bullshit that anger is unspiritual. It’s a warning, and it’s there for a reason. Anger is a call to examine something that is wrong in your experience so you can keep yourself safe and heal deep patterns of pain or dishonoring yourself (usually taught to us in abusive and dysfunctional family relationships as children as you noted). Anger is a call to attention, a call to change, a call to action, a call to heal. Those in the spiritual community who deny anger and shame people for feeling anger are doing a huge disservice. Thank you for your strong voice !

  7. It’s so funny that you posted this today because in the last three days I’ve been snappy and short tempered, saying how I feel instead of being my normal, tactful, calm speaking self. The anger bubbles up so fast but once I express it, I’m fine. I thought I was losing my mind, but this makes sense. I’ve even said to my husband several times that I’m just tired of feeling like I’m carrying everyone, being taken for granted and used up by my family, immediate and otherwise. So I’m trying to say what needs to be said firmly without being overly harsh but getting my point across. Thank you so much for posting this. It’s a breath of fresh air. I hope you’re doing well. Love and light!

  8. So glad you shared your story. And yes to everything you’ve said about anger! When I used to be deep into Tibetan Buddhism, it was too common to be surrounded by people who believed anger was “bad”, and I definitely had people in my life who took advantage of this. I too had to be pushed into a low point (or really, a long string of low points) to realise it was prolonging my suffering to deny anger and not examine its messages and gifts. Thank you.

  9. I strongly feel that anger is a negative emotion that should not be allowed to take hold of us since it vampirises our spiritual energies.Anger is very negative and may not make for any spiritual upliftment other than dragging us to animal level.It does aid the evolution of our souls.

  10. I’ve heard it said beautifully that emotions are like colours… how can you say one colour is “bad”? Trying to take an emotion out of your experience is like taking a colour out of the palette and then trying to paint a masterpiece.

    Acceptance is key. Accept the emotion and discover what it is trying to tell you. The *action* you take based on that emotion is your choice and responsibility, but ignoring an emotion will only suppress/repress and allow its energy to fester.

    (PS: No judgement here, Anna – in that situation I probably would have socked him too…)

  11. Hi Anna. Once again a great article. I was mentally abused by my ex-wife and so often hurt by her various comments that the anger in me grew so intensely that my voice was raised to a point of shouting at her in defense of my anger. This brought about her divorcing me at the end of the day. I got blamed.

    But when she left, I could feel the calmness suddenly entering my body. My spirit was relieved and I am feeling so much healthier now and happy.

    Thank you again for sharing your life with us.

    Larry

  12. I am deeply grateful for the extent to which you are willing to share your personal experiences to foster the growth of others. Bravo! Your presentations are relevant, insightful, balanced – and, most importantly, they enable others to learn, heal, grow, recover, and prosper in the challenge of life.

    However rewarding the blog entries are, your travel photographs are treats. Shower us with treats!

  13. Thank you so much for sharing this Anna.

    My experience of anger has been that I have a narcissist in my life through my extended family, who behaved appallingly when my daughter was born prematurely. This person is also a chronic heavy drinker and hasn’t met their first grandchild due to an enormous argument on their side of the family. Everything about the way this person has behaved shows selfishness and a total inability to take responsibility for their actions.

    My personal feelings towards this person after their behaviour have been so intense that I made the decision to only see them twice a year. I also deal with their toxicity and negativity by carrying a host of protective crystals in me, especially chiastolite. I also ask for angelic protection. It hasn’t stopped me feeling angry about their behaviour, and I think only time, and talking to the right people will do that. So thankyou very much indeed for this post on anger, and sharing your experience of a narcissist. Your feedback would be very welcome.

  14. I was thinking of this over the past week for the first time. I do repress my anger and amazingly I’ve fooled myself into believing that I am not “bad” like “them narcissistic types” and I’m so good and nice that I’m never, ever angry

    Of course I do get angry but all I do is hide it. I’m more passive aggressive its subtle with me. But I was disgusted when I actually saw this in myself over the past week.

    I now feel it’s so cowardly to put the blame on others and not have a look in at myself.

  15. Loved reading the article, Anna, and good points made.

    Anger is on the emotional guidance scale* that runs the gamut from despair and powerlessness at the bottom end, all the way to joy and love at the top. If you move from powerlessness into anger you have actually taken a step up the scale towards love: feeling and expressing anger signifies spiritual clarity. However, should you move from hope to anger, you go down the scale and move away from love. In that case feeling and expressing anger signifies a denial of spiritual truth. I believe it is always wise to understand why you feel anger, for only then you will know if you are taking a spiritual step up the scale towards love, or may need to explore other options open to you. (*Abraham-Hicks)

  16. Dear Anna,

    Thank you so much for sharing this. I have been thinking about anger as a general emotion, and my own feeling of anger as well, since some time now. I am a person who rarely feels angry, to the extent that even when I give myself permission to feel angry I am not able to, and even if I do, it is fleeting and subsides in no time. People close to me wonder if I am suppressing my anger. Some years ago, I used to be quite hot tempered and expressive of my anger.

    Through life circumstances, I have changed a lot.

    Psychologists say that anger arises when we blame another for our pain, whereas sadness arises when we attribute our misfortune to multiple situational factors.

    If we are able to see those who cause us pain as being victims of their own upbringing/environment/genes, it becomes difficult to blame them for their actions; in fact we might even feel compassion towards them.

    These are just thoughts I am sharing as I continue to wonder if there is value in thinking of our ability as human beings to achieve through compassion what one would usually achieve through anger.

    If possible, do address this question in the future.

    Thank you.

  17. I was thinking of this over the past week for the first time. I do repress my anger and amazingly I’ve fooled myself into believing that I am not “bad” like “them narcissistic types” and I’m so good and nice that I’m never, ever angry.

    Of course I do get angry but all I do is hide it. I’m more passive aggressive – it’s subtle with me. But I was disgusted when I actually saw this in myself over the past week.

    I now feel it’s so cowardly to put the blame on others and not have a look in at myself.

  18. Oh dear anger is unspiritual, really ??

    I consider myself to be very spiritual and yes there are times where I get angry…for those who have lost a child unexpectedly or seen their child go through tremendous pain before they pass.

    To all those whom consider anger to be unspiritual put yourself in these people’s shoes..no we don’t stay angry forever bit we do go through a stage of anger this is a natural part of grieving..don’t judge people so easily there are a lot of people out there that must express some form of anger amongst various other emotions and they are divine spiritual beings..sometimes you’ll find people that have experienced the most difficult emotions are the most spiritual

  19. This really touched a nerve with me, as in my quest to be more spiritual and more peaceful I punished myself for feeling anger, like I should be more centered or something. I had a reading where my relatives in spirit told me that someone would be leaning on me a little too much. As we had just had a death in the family I figured it would be because of this, but thought at the time, my shoulders are broad, I can take it.

    Fast forward a few months and I had so much pressure on me from quite a few directions, but one person in particular I felt was using me to make herself feel better (and I don’t mean she was doing it maliciously), I feel it was because leaning on others was easier than doing things herself and she’d got into a pattern of this as she was very good at playing the victim yet exploding if anyone said anything negative about her and making them feel bad for saying anything because she was ‘suffering’ so much.

    Anyway, she got told. In black And white. No holds barred. And of course I felt bad even before she said anything as the last thing I want to do is upset anyone, as despite everything, I love her to bits. Despite my knowing that she had to be told and had to start to take responsibility and stand on her own two feet or she will be forever trapped in the victim role, and it was hard for me to see someone I love do that to themselves – I was still plagued with ‘what if this is her life path and it’s none of my business to interfere’ type feelings amongst other things.

    Yet what I found amazing is that during a spiritual workshop, someone who didn’t even know me gave me the message that spirit were patting me on the back for standing up for myself, and it was like if there was this person sat on a bench, they would nudge the others off to get all the attention. Then I knew I’d done the right thing, and spirit were saying it’s okay to be angry – if you’re angry for the right reasons, not to be malicious but to change an unfairness. I think this would be anger created from a basis of love to create a better reality from the outcome – rather than anger based in nastiness, hate and prejudice etc and that’s the difference that makes anger okay in some circumstances.

  20. Hey Anna,

    I’m a Certified Hypnotherapist and NLP Practitioner. I work primarily with people who have emotional issues. You are dead on when it comes to repressing emotions. If you don’t let them out they will fester just like a physical infection… and end up causing more problems – even physical illness. Anger is NOT a negative emotion, it’s just an emotion. What you do with it is what matters. Sometimes an offender needs to be hit right between the eyes with the truth, they just don’t “get it” any other way. Being “spiritual” simply means that you are self-aware – and are therefore aware of your anger. Anger is a useful, self-protective emotion. A non-spiritual person will use it to control and manipulate others. We must set and maintain our own personal boundaries – both physical and emotional.

    Now on the subject you getting paid for what you do. You provide education… do school teachers get paid? You provide healing… do doctors get paid? You provide quality reading materials… do good writers get paid? Just because your niche is in the spiritual arena doesn’t make you any less worthy to be compensated for you services. Let me give you an analogy: If someone gave me a gift, a shovel. And I used that shovel to dig ditches for people who needed them dug. I guarantee you that I’d expect… and deserve to be paid. They’re paying me for MY services, not for my gift… the shovel. You are using your gifts and teaching others how to develop their own gifts. Those who think that a spiritual person shouldn’t get paid for what they do are like religious fanatics; jealous idealists who deep down inside only wish they could do what you do. You are using YOUR gifts to make the world a better place, one person at a time. You go girl!

  21. Anger is an emotion I have never had a problem expressing. It has helped protect me with bullies and narcissistic relatives. However, as an empath I have trouble recognizing my anger from others. I look forward to reading your book and getting some guidance!

  22. @ Michelle Schill,

    Gaslighting is when a person purposely says something that causes you to doubt yourself, your sanity, etc.

    An example of gaslighting could be when your mate does something to make you feel just awful, a mean word, ignores you, etc. You confront him/her and you are given denial. ” I NEVER said that. You’re too sensitive/ too crazy/ etc.”

    Yet you KNOW what was said or done to make you feel this way. Over time, gaslighting can make you question yourself: “Was I wrong to feel this way? “, “Maybe I am the one with the problem just like he/ she said?” You then can start to feel really depressed and down on yourself.. and eventually, you may find yourself “shutting down” as a way of protecting yourself.

    Like so many empaths, I was involved with narcissists too. I married one and yikes, what an experience that was! In the relationship, I only said things when I had to.

    Later, after making the decision to divorce, I ended up in hospital with erysipelas..a skin infection. Mine ended up dividing my face: half was normal, the other half was flaming red. When in hospital, I was analyzing my situation, re: erysipelas, when it dawned on me: another name for this skin condition is called: St. Anthony’s Fire.

    I saw the irony of it because that was the name of my soon-to-be ex-husband! I also saw that when we suppress emotions like anger, it can manifest in our physical bodies.

    I wonder .. if anger is first, a spiritual expression and second, a physical expression, –to where it affects our bodies and or mind?

    I say “spiritual expression” ..because.. emotion is not limited to just the physical!

    We hear about Spirits ( ghosts, poltergeists, Big Nasties -demons) who are angry and can affect our physical realm.

    But, maybe anger is like: the chicken and the egg– which came first?

    Maybe the origin of anger simply comes from when we know something isn’t right and must be dealt with!

    So, to give my answer, after a long digression, I feel it is perfectly sensible to say that yes, anger is spiritual.

  23. Thank you so much Anna. Ruth King’s book Healing Rage was so helpful to me in this regard. . I learned to differentiate rage and anger. Anger being situational. Rage being the great river of collective frustration at injustice. This is a helpful distinction. Anger invites a specific response. Rage requires a way to dignify and act with consciousness. Ruth asked me “How will you dignify your rage?” This is one of the most powerful questions I’ve ever been asked.

    Growing up in a family where anger and rage flowed freely, I considered it acceptable to freely express my anger. Gradually I learned how much harm I was perpetrating. I prefer serenity. I came to see that rage and sometimes anger was for me a lack of sobriety. It is wise to stay connected to the energy of rage and anger for healthy consciousness. So, I dance or exercise or write to calm myself down and to integrate the information. As a monk, I know my sword will cut others. Unexpressed anger can cause disease in me. Someone said, “A monk is a warrior who has put down her sword.”

    I am glad to be on this difficult path and am grateful to Alanon and all my spiritual teachers for their compassionate support and teaching. I am also very much looking forward to your book!

  24. This might have been addressed in previous comments, but I needed to put in my two cents:-) There are no bad emotions or good emotions. They all serve a purpose, it’s up to us to use them productively. As you stated, anger shows us a boundary has been crossed, and how we deal with that situation can be good or bad. NOT dealing with it is bad, and I can relate to your trained response of feeling powerless at a young age to deal with the anger. We are told it’s bad or wrong to get angry, but that’s not true. I snapped, as you did, at the last straw, but that was because we both buried our anger. I’ve since learned how to deal more productively with it.

    As empaths, being sensitive to the emotions of others, it can be difficult to express our anger, because we don’t want to hurt others with it like we’ve been hurt by it. (It doesn’t even have to be directed at us.) Boundaries can be difficult to establish for us, but is well worth it. Just because we are ‘over-sensitive’ does not give others the right to be insensitive.

  25. From my observations and understandings the 9/10 rule is true but it depends on the individuals core wounds/shadows/evolutionary path.

    For instance, someone who caries the need to be right and always justifying and arguing their opinions, rather than be open to hearing a higher truth, may get angry when they are not accepted as correct. This instance is likely a common occurrence for such an individual. For an individual with a victim path in life where they are evolving into their empowerment the 9/10 rule will absolutely be correct.

    Also I agree on the notion that there is nothing wrong with being angry as it will often be the driving force out of a lower vibration space. Caution must be applied however if one is attempting to use this to be justified to stay in anger. Anger is not a high vibration or enlightened state of existence but it should never be suppressed. It should be looked at in order to understand why it exists within you and what your soul is trying to tell you.

    If the cause for the anger, the origination of the pattern in which the circumstances arose from is not healed, then the pattern may be repeated and the anger will still be present. Once the pattern is healed then there will be no need for the anger. The lesson here is not to harbor the anger,… but not to suppress it either, as neither path will lead you to your highest spiritual attainment or peace in life.

  26. Those who say anger is “always inappropriate” are people who cannot handle their own anger. I have seen this again and again. These people attack others who are demonstrating anger — a perfectly legitimate emotion — because of how it reminds them of their own unresolved and unmanaged anger that they struggle to suppress.

  27. Right on sister. I agree wholeheartedly and this needed to be addressed!

  28. I agree with Karen. I am a three time grieving mother. Even though I am a medium and communicate with them, I had, and sometimes still have, the right to my anger. There were other grieving mothers who I felt I did not have that right. It is still painful and, no matter what the circumstance, we all have a right to our emotions. It is only unspiritual when you deny and do not deal with your emotions.

  29. From the book “I Am The Word: A Guide to the Consciousness of Man’s Self in a Transitioning Time. A Channeled Text by: Paul Selig and The Guides
    Pg. 109 & 110 We will talk now about the requirements for where we will go. This change that you change and become will make you anointed and your frequency will be high enough that that which you encounter will begin to transform by your nature and by your proximity to it. And what this means very simply is, you will become an energy field that impacts the energy fields of those things and those beings that you will encounter. When something no longer resonates with you at the high frequency, you will find that it falls away, it cannot be held, and it will be replaced by something that actually resonates at a frequency that it is in alignment to. This is very important for you to understand. It’s why suddenly the relationship that you are in may seem empty. And while you may love the being that you have chosen to stand beside, you will realize that you no longer resonate with him, or the job that you are in, or the kitchen you stand in, or the path that you have chosen for yourself out of duty and obligation and not out of wisdom and creation and joy. All these things begin to transform as you acclimate to the frequency in fullness.
    Pg. 111 All of these things may happen, or else you will resist, and then you will have a different kind of discomfort through the resistance. “If I’m not going to change and I’m going to hold tight to what I know,” you’re actually going to feel restless and angry. And restlessness and anger are two indications that you are blocking this process. So your feelings can actually contribute to your understanding of what this process really is, when you mark it as such.
    Pg. 113 And sometimes anger can support you and create an understanding of your own power and your worth. But just as often, it blocks you from the flow of your own Divine Self. Because your own Divine Self actually works at a higher frequency and doesn’t really get angry about anything.

  30. Hi Anna,

    I want to read your book someday, it sounds interesting. I can relate in some way to some of your articles. I like the comment Erin made about balance. That’s one reason I am taking your class & I appreciate so much. It helps me with balance, understand myself more & love myself more. I grew up in a dysfunctional family too & getting away from being codependent I still struggle with. And bad relationships I’ve get stuck with in the past. Also i can say something to offend someone without meaning to and feel bad about it. Maybe too I’m a breach baby with type b blood. Idk but I appreciate you. Prayers blessings to you always in the most positive way. Thank you

  31. I usually stay quiet but this has been my favourite topic posted so far. Its so great reading the posts and seeing people actually discussing “the bad guy” and sounding so forgiving. It makes me wanna cry.

    Being an empath and feeling like a victim the majority of my life. I had NO idea of what real and “spiritual” people thought of anger or that women could even say such insightful things about it?! Thank you Larry for sharing about your marriage.

    Thanks Anna!

  32. Thank you so much! A timely post. I’m so tired of people acting like anger is unhealthy and shouldn’t be expressed or acted upon.

  33. Thank you Anna. Anger raised me and so I spent a long time denying its value. I have since learned to use the energy of anger to fuel change. I don’t act in anger. I use the energy to respond appropriately.
    On money: too many folks seem to think that money is evil or malignant. They are not looking at the simple facts. Money is an exchange medium. It has no values locked into it. There may be values in the product or service that people provide for money. In my experience you charge appropriately for a damn good service. And that enables you to live, and research and reach others. There is enough free on your website to satisfy those who don’t want to pay you. I got value for what I paid you.
    Finally, did you hit Markus with an open hand or closed fist? A closed fist packs the most “punch”, but you need to be coached in how to do it otherwise you will hurt your hand.
    Life changes for the better when the beaten down empaths shout or raise their fists.

  34. Thank you.
    Thank you so much for this awesome article, Anna. I won’t add anything since all has been said -and very well- on the previous posts.
    You just made my day.

    Sending you a big hug.
    xxo

  35. Your post is brave and powerful. Thank you so much for sharing it with the world. For someone such as myself, who spent three out of five long-term relationships in my life with narcissists, it is also very validating. Being repeatedly gaslighted can be so disorienting that you almost can’t trust yourself knowing up from down anymore – a situation made even worse when the narcissist charms friends and family to their side, too.

    I agree that there are so many misconceptions and judgements about anger. Anger is a natural, healthy emotion (like a red flag) and, though it may seem paradoxical, what makes anger potentially unhealthy is when we *respond to* it with fear/judgement/resistance/rejection/shame, etc, because then Ego gets involved.

    It could be that Ego is the root of all spiritual struggles, and that different traditions just give it different names. It’s no coincidence that so many spiritual traditions encourage practicing mindfulness (prayer, meditation, journeying, etc); they’re great for learning how to compassionately accept and observe your thoughts and the emotions triggered by them.

    Anger will help you to flee from a toxic relationship. Judging yourself for being angry will not.

  36. Thank you so much everyone for these brilliant comments….for adding your thoughts, experiences and insights. I enjoyed reading them. So glad to hear this post resonated with some of you.

    Anna xo

  37. Thanks for the post.

    I sometimes have pent up anger or frustration, when I let go off it, I am fully releasing my emotions that no longer serves me. The anger is also undealt with emotions that I yet to face. I normally find the cause of it and let it go and move on.

  38. Hi Anna
    I wanted to add another comment on the back if what else I’ve read, because it’s reminded me of an article I read a while back that made the point that when you feel anger, consider what needs you have that haven’t been met. That’s a helpful perspective I think.


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